Finding joy

I am a private person and I hold a lot in.  I haven't shared my struggles with very many people. I haven't found very many people who understand and so I've kept quiet. Yet I believe that we are sent to earth to learn, grow and have joy!  I also think we are here to help others along our way.

Six years ago I got pregnant for the fourth time after waiting and trying for what seemed like forever.  I became miserably sick.  I suffered alone.  And then at almost 14 weeks gestation, at my routine check-up, there was no heartbeat...not on the doppler, not on the ultrasound.  It was a horrible, awful, this can't be happening experience.  I delivered the baby that very day and for just a second, took a little peek at it's perfect tiny body.  Doctors couldn't tell me what went wrong.  I went home that night, discharged from labor and delivery, with nothing but heartache.  I had heard the cries of babies being born all around me for hours but went home with nothing.  I drowned my sorrow in chocolate and started to emotionally withdraw from life.  I thought I was doing fine (we always do) and I wondered how that hole in my heart would ever heal.  

Three and a half months later I conceived again.  I was completely freaked out.  I worried for nine months.  I barely told a soul about the pregnancy.  I was convinced that I would lose it again.  The two pregnancies blurred together and it became the longest fifteen month pregnancy!  The doctors discovered a possible life threatening problem with my heart and I prepared for anything.  On the morning of the day I delivered (eight days early), I was shopping at Target with my almost four year old and I thought my water had broken.  I couldn't get ahold of my husband (he was out running). I relied on a friend to take care of my toddler and another to drive me to the hospital. While frantically making calls on my way home, I gently rear-ended a sweet older lady in a mini-van at a stop light.  It was the most hysterical moment of my life.  As we pulled over to inspect damage (there was none), I was crying so hard that I could barely breath.  The nice lady gave me her contact info and sent me on my way (never to be heard from again).  An angel.

I delivered a beautiful, healthy, seven pound eight ounce baby boy with my favorite doctor that just happened to be on call that day.  My heart rhythm was crazy but life sustainable.  The next two years were bliss.  He was an angel baby and is the sweetest boy.  I love all my boys, but I have a different bond with each of them and this one is certainly unique.

I have since had two miscarriages. Luckily neither required giving birth so at the time seemed 'easier' than what I went through the first time. My heart still aches at the loss but grief does strange things to us. I had become closed off and numb and didn't allow myself to hope. The last one came as I was staring down weeks, possibly months, of doctor prescribed bed rest. I was heartbroken and relieved at the same time. I haven't been brave enough to try again.

I have learned more and grown more in the last six years than at any other time in my life. (Who said thirties is fun??) If you believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, then trials are certainly the path to growth.

Fortunately, about a year ago, I enlisted the help of professionals and began to heal all of that grief and pain. I had to let go of some beliefs and relationships that were keeping me in despair. I know that we have a loving God who can take our sorrow and ease our burdens if we let Him. I've learned how to use the atonement in my life.

While at dinner with friends a few weeks ago, I asked them if they would 'give up' any of their trials. We all decided that the lessons we have learned are so valuable that we wouldn't give up those experiences. Yes, we would all like to avoid the pain, but not at the cost of not learning the lesson. Our trials make us who we are, for better or for worse. I don't believe that ignorance is bliss. I am grateful for the hard things that I have done the last six years. I tell my boys all the time that they can do hard things. I know this is true because I can do hard things.

To anyone who is dealing with grief or loss, please don't give up hope. I thought I could have faith without having hope, but I can't. One comes with the other. I have found my hope and my faith slowly, gently and with much prayer. Hearts can heal. I am so grateful for the blessings in my life but also for the challenges. They work together in my life and with a newly healed heart, I am finding joy.